The highway sign as you cross over 95 going south into Florida should read: Welcome to the Freedom State – (but read the small print)
Do not bring any books with you except your Bible. Leave your trashy Catcher in the Rye and Lord of the Flies behind or they will be confiscated. And, god forbid, if you bring anything about Anne Frank or Michele Obama’s book with you or Caste or anything else that may offend the white people here.
Salute our Florida Legislature for its new bill, HB 1557 “Parental Rights in Education,” which seeks to ban those nasty sex education classes and gender discussions. It’s been said that under this bill, if a student wants a vegetarian meal, it must be approved by their parents. But, without hesitation and with no parental approval needed, bring on those “healthy” triple cheeseburgers, fries, and ice cream. Yum! Remember that parents can sue if you push the salad. This new bill is the hammer and the teachers and students are the nails. Good golly, this is Florida. Yee-haw… We love lawsuits!
Do not come here to teach if you like critical thinking and don’t like being told what to discuss or what to teach or if you want to wear a mask. The Florida Governor fines schools that have one of those unhealthy mask mandates. We do not want to offend anyone and, take note, fear is our teacher.
If you are a minority and/or LGBTQ+ – Do not offend any conservative people or you may be arrested and fined.
Do not come here and need an abortion. We only care about babies in utero and then you are on your own.
Bring your swastikas but no peace flags please. And, we are not afraid of hoodies on white people.
And bring lots of money because rental and home prices are through the roof.
Do bring your car and let that loud muffler spew oil and smoke because that is okay here. There is no auto inspection in Florida.
Do enjoy the beaches unless the red tide, caused by over fertilization, results in the water being non-swimmable or non-fishable. Just ignore those stinky dead fish floating in the water.
On election day, when it is hot and you see someone in line fall over from the heat, DO NOT give them any water or you could be charged with vote tampering. The DeSantis Election Police Force is on guard!
And, do not forget to bring your sunscreen and guns. We love guns. And police officers, we will pay you an incentive to work here if you don’t want to be vaccinated. We love unvaccinated law enforcement. Come on down!
Please enjoy our State. Bring your COVID, we are not afraid. We do not believe in masks or vaccinations. Our Surgeon General, Ladapo, probably flunked kindergarten and he escaped being vetted for his current job. And, we love him for that!
Just remember, in Florida, if you are a minority, gay, or liberal, you are free to do and say as you are told! Florida may be made of sand but the Florida GOP political feet are fixed in cement. And, yes, vote for DeSantis for Governor in November while you are here, no matter what state you are from.
Come one, come all! If you love our resident clown, Donald J. Trump, and his family, you will love us. If you love the concept of fascism, you will love the Sunshine State.
Come to Florida and learn how to Dog Whistle and the meaning of Gerrymandering as you sip a tequila by the pool.
And, most of all, Welcome to Florida the Gunshine State. Get your “Freedom State” t-shirts today because, god forbid, it is not your grandparent’s state no more…
(Dog Whistle is a coded message communicated through words or phrases commonly understood by a particular group of people, but not by others. It’s not just for dogs anymore! Gerrymandering is a cool way to create boundaries that favor conservative ways. It is becoming a Florida GOP tradition!)
“Remember that Florida is a land of weirdos and bizarre happenings, and conduct yourselves accordingly.” -Jeff Zentner, ‘Rayne & Dalilah’s Midnite Matinee’
