We have begun to understand that to be human is to be conflicted. The choice between doing and not doing can be a challenge. For example, the other night we went to a Chris Botti concert. We bought the tickets three years ago and the performance was cancelled due to COVID and finally rescheduled. It is the first time that we had ventured out into a crowded, inside venue in over two and a half years. We found ourselves conflicted on a number of levels. Was it going to be safe? Should we go at all? How would we feel once we got there? We decided to go knowing that the venue required all attendees to be masked and that we had end seats. We also decided that we would leave if we did not feel comfortable.
We arrived at the auditorium and, as we sat down, the fully masked couple next to us shared with us that they had the same concern about safety but felt it was time to venture out as well. The sea of masked attendees reminded us of the 1922 photograph taken of theater goers at the first 3D feature-length movie, The Power of Love.
In previous concerts, once the music started we would settle in but it was different this time. Not because of COVID or the sea of masks in the audience but because of the state of the world. We found that it felt strange indulging in relaxation while a war was raging on against the young and the old, with bombing of schools, theaters, hospitals, and an entire country. Those images remained as we tried to relax and enjoy the concert. We realized that we were conflicted about being there. On some level it, did not seem fair. It did not seem right that we were sitting in comfort being entertained while there was ongoing fighting in Ukraine and death of innocent people as they merely tried to survive and protect what was theirs.
Sitting in the audience and feeling the conflict, some might say we were experiencing a level of survivor’s guilt. Survivor’s guilt is a real phenomenon and as we sat amongst the crowd listening to the performers, we felt this deeply. It occurred to us that we were probably not the only ones that felt unworthy of such comfort. As we all wore masks, we hoped that this did not mean that we also had blinders on to what was happening to our sisters and brothers in Ukraine. For grief is not always local and we can and do mourn for those whom we do not know but still feel for them.
Survivor’s guilt has been described in large scale regarding Holocaust survivors and in the AIDS epidemic. We have seen it in relation to high school shootings and other tragic catastrophic events, including natural disasters. It is real and, during these challenging times, it is likely that we have all experienced it on some level.
We appreciate having a forum to share this experience for it can be a difficult topic to discuss. It may have been easier to tuck this matter away and move on but we found it important to recognize and deal with our reactions. To be conflicted is normal. It is what you do with it that makes the difference. Yes, we are all human, but moments like this give us the opportunity to be humane as well.
This blog is dedicated to those who have stayed behind in Ukraine to protect their country, friends, and family. And to our dear friend, Yulia. May peace prevail for you and your country.
